Grievances

"Emotions that are not acknowledged or expressed tend to escalate."
-Dr. Redwood

I know that I'm coming out of the darkness when I want to write again. I'm good with words, but only on paper. In person I am awkward and clumsy. Only on paper am I ever eloquent.

Back to the point: when I am in the darkness my thoughts go unexpressed, which is why I think I lash out at some of the least deserving people. I pick fights that I cannot win.

When my dad was alive, I fought with him constantly. We were ever at odds, my father and I, being much too similar and far too stubborn. The difference: he let his anger go (mostly through yelling), and I implode on myself.

I hold grudges.

Grudges are, simply put, ridiculous. Even I, a master at grudge-holding, can admit it. The problem with grudges is that they can only hurt you, never the object of your resentment. People often don't care what you think of them, or they are unaware of your animosity. Instead the grudge only eats at you. Any mention of their name angers you. Any glimpse of their face puts you on edge.

It's tiring!

And what is the point? What good does it do you to embrace the bitterness? Why should someone have that power over you?

How many bridges have I burned by holding grudges? And yet I still can't find it in myself to be nice to people I don't like. Perhaps that makes me a bad person, but I have so little energy, I can't justify wasting it on people who care nothing for me.

My people are few, but they are my people, and I am fiercely loyal to them. So to those of you I love, and to those who love me back, let me say thank you for putting up with me when I am at my worst because at my best, I would most definitely die for you.