Chained to Blue

I am tired of being a slave to my emotions.

I suppose that's the price I am paying for being a victim of depression.

This year has been the worst of my life, and despite medication, my body responds to that sadness with a low immune system and the aches of chronic stress. My head hasn't stopped hurting since Christmas, my body shakes and my heart pounds.

I hide behind wry smiles and sarcasm, but I've been in pain for so long that no one seems to notice the difference. Sometimes I wish they would notice. Sometimes I just want to be hugged.

If there was a way to remove my emotions, I truly think I would do it. Emotionless logic can be cruel, but at least it makes sense. My sickness doesn't make sense. My sadness is debilitating. It's hardly a question why some people resort to suicide. If I weren't such a coward, I would probably have succumbed to that fate as well.

I am tired of being an emotional wreck. I am tired of working so hard toward happiness. The brighter half of the emotional spectrum should be mine as well. Isn't that my right as a human, to be able to feel sadness and happiness? Anger and passion?

I just want to be able to feel happy, and I don't think that is too much to ask.