My Dark Side

I'm a war of head versus heart
It's always this way
My head is weak
My heart always speaks
Before I know what it will say

-Death Cab for Cutie, Crooked Teeth

This verse describes me perfectly. I am blunt. My friends lovingly accuse me of being tactless, to which I always reply that tact is just lying for grown ups. But my mouth isn't something I can control. The truth comes out whether I want it to or not, and to be honest, I only say about 20% of what I'm actually thinking, so my rudeness is actually tempered by a rather heavy filter.

I've hurt friends with my words, my inability to say things in a way that might not be quite as painful. I've also vindicated some friends with a thorough reaming to people who had hurt them. My truths go both ways --- they can be something you don't want hear, or something you desperately need to. After all, sticks and stones may break your bones, but words are there forever.

If I like you, you know it.

If I don't, you know that too.

This, however, can become a problem in civilized working environments. I have no power where I work. I am the bottom of the totem pole. And people treat me accordingly. I won't pretend it doesn't vex me. In fact, I've rather vividly fantasized about punching some people right in that tenderest part of their eyes.

I find it very difficult to plaster a smile on my face and respect those people who find no shred of decency in themselves to treat me as if I have a brain, or, at the very least, as if I'm human. I've mouthed off a few times, but luckily not to anyone with any power to do anything about it.

It's only a matter of time. Someone has but to cross me too many times, and I will snap. They think I'm small and meek, too young and petite to fight back against them. They don't know how impulsive I can be, or how mean.

In other words, I know what I should do. I should let it roll off my shoulders, ignore it. But emotion runs deep in me, and it is a force that will not be ignored. I speak and sometimes act before I know what will happen.

One of these days, my weakness is going to get me in trouble.